My next resolution is easy and quite obvious however it took me an embarrassingly long time to reach it- I need to start waking up earlier. I have all these big plans about what goals I want to reach and resolutions I want to keep that there never seems to be enough hours in the day! So I am going to start a strict schedule involving waking up at 6 AM and going to bed at 11 PM. I'll create a schedule for myself but more the most part I intend to stick to this. Furthermore, the getting up early will really boost my confidence and energy for the day! Here we ago, another resolution, except this one will help me achieve all the others.
Helloooo sunshine.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
a bit scattered...
Alright, I know I haven't written something in a while (even though I said I would soon in my last post...whoooopps) but I've been super distracted with everythign that's going on.
Just need to get a list together of all the things I have to do just now. When I have the time again I will focus on my list of goals.
More to come.....
sOon I hope
Just need to get a list together of all the things I have to do just now. When I have the time again I will focus on my list of goals.
More to come.....
sOon I hope
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Beginning
Let’s start at the beginning. I’ve set some pretty lofty goals for myself (if I may say so) and have a not limited but nonetheless a timeframe in which to complete them, or at least make significant strides at completing them (I am trying very hard not to be too “tough on myself” while remaining efficient).
So first of all, I have decided to learn more about the teachings of Buddhism, immerse myself in its practices and learn to live by its teachings. I already go to weekly meditation classes and plan to attend several supplementary classes at my local Buddhist monastery. I also plan to read more books on the subject to further my practice.
On that note, I intend to make reading a significant part of this year. If I could only accomplish one thing in this entire twelve-month period, I would have read more often, exposed myself to new points of view, and have become more knowledgable on a variety of subjects. That alone sounds like an incredibly productive use of time away from university. Not to mention that reading has been proven to inspire intellectual curiosity in readers, a quality I am very much lacking in the moment and am the sorrier for it.
Furthermore, I think reading will help me accomplish every single one of my goals (yes, every single one). It’s perfectly reasonable to assume that reading the works of other artists will inspire creativity in myself and that exposing myself to new points of view and new information will lead me to be more knowledgable and cultured. Additionally, learning about the lives of others, maybe reading first-hand accounts, reading about accomplishments and the thoughts of others, will inspire compassion and therefore kindness. And finally, all of these other qualities, these other pieces of the character I hope to become, will make me more beautiful (is that too optimistic? perhaps).
So that’s something- I will read this year. I won’t limit myself to a particular subject or area but instead will let myself read whatever is of most interest to me. I have the rest of university and then my entire career to read what other people tell me to; for now, I will only read what is most interesting to me at that time. I will however keep a booklist of the books I have read over the year (something to be able to look back on with pride at the end of the year) and write, whenever I can, my impressions of the books on this blog.
Next. Beauty.
While reading will make me more attractive in many ways(how else can you explain the appeal of a sexy librarian?), there are also some ways in which it won’t help accomplish this goal completely. I need to work on the physical things. I am comfortable with my body for the most part but I always feel so much better when I’m in shape, even if I weigh or perhaps, look the same.
So i’ve decided to sign up for a half marathon. I’ve always wanted to be a runner (even once dated a guy who was crazy about running) so this is the perfect opportunity for me to accomplish this goal. I may or may not be accepted (fingers crossed), if not, I can then only attempt one in another city. However I MUST train- its just over 13 miles long and I would feel terrible about myself I didn’t finish with an acceptable time. So, I will run every day. I’ve jog several times a week, usually for about 1-2 miles but I need to build endurance and begin to build up to longer runs. I just need to tell myself, “I am a runner.” At the same time, I will practice my sport and do yoga whenever I can. Furthermore, more exercise will give me more energy to complete my other goals!
While I write this, the idea that I need to be able to pay for this keeps coming to mind, and with good reason. I’m not suggesting I need a extreme makeover but some new clothes and a haircut, perhaps some makeup, would all help me achieve the goal of becoming more attractive (It sounds vain but it is the truth). I want to “update” my look, try something different and try to express my character more by my appearance. I hate to admit that such simple things, such materialistic items, that purchasing can make me happier but the truth is that to a limited extent, it can.
Alright then, so I’ve have to get a job. Done. I got a job as a waitress/seating hostess at a cafe across town. Nothing fancy and I’m sure it won’t pay much (I’ll find out tomorrow) but it’s something and it will provide stimulation while also giving me another incentive to stick to my goal; having to greet customers everyday and compete with the other, dare I say, more attractive waitstaff for tips will make me want to try to be more attractive myself.
On the note of stimulation, I also signed up for a Lumosity account. I have to admit, I’m skeptical about the effectiveness of the site and the results it claims to procure (there is something sketchy about how my “brain profile” dramatically goes up the more time I spend on the site and not necessarily on how much better I do in the games), I do enjoy myself playing the games and I feel its does somehow inspire intellectual curiosity.
That’s quite a list of resolutions I have for myself, and I haven’t even hit all of my goals yet. To sum up:
-Read more:
-Keep a booklist
-Blog about my impressions of each book
-Exercise:
-Train for a half-marathon/ Run everyday (“I am a runner.”)
Practice sport
-Yoga
-Get and Keep Job (worth pointing out that I have to stay employed)
-Use Lumosity
And now I haven’t even hit on all of my goals, nor I am sure in which category to place all of these steps to achieving them.
Hold on, this might take some organizing for which I don’t have the time right now. Here are the beginnings of my plans at least. I will write more once I’ve ironed out the kinks.
So first of all, I have decided to learn more about the teachings of Buddhism, immerse myself in its practices and learn to live by its teachings. I already go to weekly meditation classes and plan to attend several supplementary classes at my local Buddhist monastery. I also plan to read more books on the subject to further my practice.
On that note, I intend to make reading a significant part of this year. If I could only accomplish one thing in this entire twelve-month period, I would have read more often, exposed myself to new points of view, and have become more knowledgable on a variety of subjects. That alone sounds like an incredibly productive use of time away from university. Not to mention that reading has been proven to inspire intellectual curiosity in readers, a quality I am very much lacking in the moment and am the sorrier for it.
Furthermore, I think reading will help me accomplish every single one of my goals (yes, every single one). It’s perfectly reasonable to assume that reading the works of other artists will inspire creativity in myself and that exposing myself to new points of view and new information will lead me to be more knowledgable and cultured. Additionally, learning about the lives of others, maybe reading first-hand accounts, reading about accomplishments and the thoughts of others, will inspire compassion and therefore kindness. And finally, all of these other qualities, these other pieces of the character I hope to become, will make me more beautiful (is that too optimistic? perhaps).
So that’s something- I will read this year. I won’t limit myself to a particular subject or area but instead will let myself read whatever is of most interest to me. I have the rest of university and then my entire career to read what other people tell me to; for now, I will only read what is most interesting to me at that time. I will however keep a booklist of the books I have read over the year (something to be able to look back on with pride at the end of the year) and write, whenever I can, my impressions of the books on this blog.
Next. Beauty.
While reading will make me more attractive in many ways(how else can you explain the appeal of a sexy librarian?), there are also some ways in which it won’t help accomplish this goal completely. I need to work on the physical things. I am comfortable with my body for the most part but I always feel so much better when I’m in shape, even if I weigh or perhaps, look the same.
So i’ve decided to sign up for a half marathon. I’ve always wanted to be a runner (even once dated a guy who was crazy about running) so this is the perfect opportunity for me to accomplish this goal. I may or may not be accepted (fingers crossed), if not, I can then only attempt one in another city. However I MUST train- its just over 13 miles long and I would feel terrible about myself I didn’t finish with an acceptable time. So, I will run every day. I’ve jog several times a week, usually for about 1-2 miles but I need to build endurance and begin to build up to longer runs. I just need to tell myself, “I am a runner.” At the same time, I will practice my sport and do yoga whenever I can. Furthermore, more exercise will give me more energy to complete my other goals!
While I write this, the idea that I need to be able to pay for this keeps coming to mind, and with good reason. I’m not suggesting I need a extreme makeover but some new clothes and a haircut, perhaps some makeup, would all help me achieve the goal of becoming more attractive (It sounds vain but it is the truth). I want to “update” my look, try something different and try to express my character more by my appearance. I hate to admit that such simple things, such materialistic items, that purchasing can make me happier but the truth is that to a limited extent, it can.
Alright then, so I’ve have to get a job. Done. I got a job as a waitress/seating hostess at a cafe across town. Nothing fancy and I’m sure it won’t pay much (I’ll find out tomorrow) but it’s something and it will provide stimulation while also giving me another incentive to stick to my goal; having to greet customers everyday and compete with the other, dare I say, more attractive waitstaff for tips will make me want to try to be more attractive myself.
On the note of stimulation, I also signed up for a Lumosity account. I have to admit, I’m skeptical about the effectiveness of the site and the results it claims to procure (there is something sketchy about how my “brain profile” dramatically goes up the more time I spend on the site and not necessarily on how much better I do in the games), I do enjoy myself playing the games and I feel its does somehow inspire intellectual curiosity.
That’s quite a list of resolutions I have for myself, and I haven’t even hit all of my goals yet. To sum up:
-Read more:
-Keep a booklist
-Blog about my impressions of each book
-Exercise:
-Train for a half-marathon/ Run everyday (“I am a runner.”)
Practice sport
-Yoga
-Get and Keep Job (worth pointing out that I have to stay employed)
-Use Lumosity
And now I haven’t even hit on all of my goals, nor I am sure in which category to place all of these steps to achieving them.
Hold on, this might take some organizing for which I don’t have the time right now. Here are the beginnings of my plans at least. I will write more once I’ve ironed out the kinks.
Epiphany: Short-lived moment of clarity
What I have wanted to be throughout my life:
(Not in order of importance but in order of when I wanted the following goals from earliest to most recent, ranging from the ridiculous to the sensible)
-Model
-Programmer
-Business woman
-Philanthropist
-Athlete
-Friend/Girlfriend
-Writer/artist
In short, once I’ve broken down each one of those goals (each of which I think expresses a specific side of my personality) I am left with the following personality goals:
I want/have wanted to be:
-Beautiful
-Smart/Skillful/Knowledgable
-Warm-hearted/kind
-Cultured/traveled/mature
-Talented/creative/artistic
I believe that I am a truly driven person. I have goals, very specific set goals and while I might feel or even appear aimless, I am nonetheless determined to achieve them. The difference however between myself and those who do achieve, I have realized, and though this might seem cliché, obvious, or anticlimactic to my readers, I never believed I could.
So, for my happiness project, gap year, experiment, whatever, I plan to achieve every one of these goals. I plan to made strides to build my character to meet the goals that I set out for myself up until this point all the while learning and living through the teachings of Buddha and learning about myself.
I also realized that my lack of belief in myself, my self-loathing if you will, is a misconception I developed stemming from my perception of what it truly meant to be determined in the first place. I believed that in order to be successful, in order to be driven, I had to be cold and mean, I had to be dark and unhappy and that I couldn’t enjoy myself truly without passing up on the dream. I had been told from a young age, “You can have a will to love and a will to power, but you can’t have both.” Then how do you explain the lives of those who do... What utter bullshit I realize now. I can have friends and be happy and live my life while learning, growing and achieving. In fact, only after I learn how to do that properly, the emotional bit, the “sappy” bit as I would have otherwise called it, only after I learn to enjoy my life, will I be able to achieve.
I have to be comfortable with myself. I need to pull up an armchair and take a seat by the fire in my mind because I have a long journey to go on with myself and I might as well get comfortable. The sooner I do that, the sooner I make peace with who I am and want I really want, the sooner I can be happy.
And that’s what this is all about anyways- Happiness. My struggle with myself, with depression even, was a way for myself to achieve ultimate, pure happiness in the way I thought best at that time. I have had a relatively blessed life. No, I’ve had an absolutely blessed life. I am, for the most part, healthy. My family is alive. I have a man who loves me and an education. I have a home and plenty of food and clean water. I have the means for expressing myself. I have the potential, more than enough of it, to be happy and to be happy now.
As long as I let go of the anxiety, I must let go of my fear of failure, my fear of making a fool out of myself because, by not doing anything, by moping, by being depressed I have already done that. I have already done that; in fact, I’m pouring my heart out on the internet. So I have nothing to lose.
Looking back on what I’ve written, I know it’s filled with self-loathing. That will be the challenge of the project. That has been the root of my unhappiness up to this point, the reason why I feel like I’ve been in a constant state of crisis for the past 3 years. But I have to learn and I have to work and it every single day of this project, little by little, inch by inch, for 12 months, and then for every year after that. Like a alcoholic recovering from an addiction, that will be the craving I face and the trap that is the most deadly.
“IT IS YOUR MIND THAT CREATES THIS WORLD.”
It is my mind that creates my world. Learning to make peace with it, with myself, is the only way to make peace with my world.
That is the single, unifying, ultimate goal of this experience, of this year, of every year after it.
Here goes nothing.
(Not in order of importance but in order of when I wanted the following goals from earliest to most recent, ranging from the ridiculous to the sensible)
-Model
-Programmer
-Business woman
-Philanthropist
-Athlete
-Friend/Girlfriend
-Writer/artist
In short, once I’ve broken down each one of those goals (each of which I think expresses a specific side of my personality) I am left with the following personality goals:
I want/have wanted to be:
-Beautiful
-Smart/Skillful/Knowledgable
-Warm-hearted/kind
-Cultured/traveled/mature
-Talented/creative/artistic
I believe that I am a truly driven person. I have goals, very specific set goals and while I might feel or even appear aimless, I am nonetheless determined to achieve them. The difference however between myself and those who do achieve, I have realized, and though this might seem cliché, obvious, or anticlimactic to my readers, I never believed I could.
So, for my happiness project, gap year, experiment, whatever, I plan to achieve every one of these goals. I plan to made strides to build my character to meet the goals that I set out for myself up until this point all the while learning and living through the teachings of Buddha and learning about myself.
I also realized that my lack of belief in myself, my self-loathing if you will, is a misconception I developed stemming from my perception of what it truly meant to be determined in the first place. I believed that in order to be successful, in order to be driven, I had to be cold and mean, I had to be dark and unhappy and that I couldn’t enjoy myself truly without passing up on the dream. I had been told from a young age, “You can have a will to love and a will to power, but you can’t have both.” Then how do you explain the lives of those who do... What utter bullshit I realize now. I can have friends and be happy and live my life while learning, growing and achieving. In fact, only after I learn how to do that properly, the emotional bit, the “sappy” bit as I would have otherwise called it, only after I learn to enjoy my life, will I be able to achieve.
I have to be comfortable with myself. I need to pull up an armchair and take a seat by the fire in my mind because I have a long journey to go on with myself and I might as well get comfortable. The sooner I do that, the sooner I make peace with who I am and want I really want, the sooner I can be happy.
And that’s what this is all about anyways- Happiness. My struggle with myself, with depression even, was a way for myself to achieve ultimate, pure happiness in the way I thought best at that time. I have had a relatively blessed life. No, I’ve had an absolutely blessed life. I am, for the most part, healthy. My family is alive. I have a man who loves me and an education. I have a home and plenty of food and clean water. I have the means for expressing myself. I have the potential, more than enough of it, to be happy and to be happy now.
As long as I let go of the anxiety, I must let go of my fear of failure, my fear of making a fool out of myself because, by not doing anything, by moping, by being depressed I have already done that. I have already done that; in fact, I’m pouring my heart out on the internet. So I have nothing to lose.
Looking back on what I’ve written, I know it’s filled with self-loathing. That will be the challenge of the project. That has been the root of my unhappiness up to this point, the reason why I feel like I’ve been in a constant state of crisis for the past 3 years. But I have to learn and I have to work and it every single day of this project, little by little, inch by inch, for 12 months, and then for every year after that. Like a alcoholic recovering from an addiction, that will be the craving I face and the trap that is the most deadly.
“IT IS YOUR MIND THAT CREATES THIS WORLD.”
It is my mind that creates my world. Learning to make peace with it, with myself, is the only way to make peace with my world.
That is the single, unifying, ultimate goal of this experience, of this year, of every year after it.
Here goes nothing.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
Today I spent the entire day at the doctors office getting the shots and medications I need before I go to Haiti (more on that to come) and while I was there I thought I would start a new book : The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I have to say, I don't know if this was the book or the fact that I was in the only crowded and loud waiting area covered by my less-than-fantastic insurance, but I was really bored.
I have to say it's a little bit annoying to listen to someone who seems to have everything- a loving husband and family, financial security, an apartment on the Upper East Side, and not to mention a Yale education and law degree- rant on about cleaning her closets and finding happiness in her already, dare I say, perfect life. She does have some words of wisdom however (most of which she's quoted from famous figures and writers of history) but there are nonetheless some lessons to be learned here.
I just wish I didn't have to hear so much about her sock drawer in the process....
More to come as I get further into the book. I sense a few quotes in the near future as well!
I just wish I didn't have to hear so much about her sock drawer in the process....
More to come as I get further into the book. I sense a few quotes in the near future as well!
You Know You're Reading a Good Book When....
You know you're reading a good book when you miss your stop on the train, end up in Brooklyn, and don't even care. The History of Love is a great book then and veritable celebration of the power of literature. I'm so happy I choose to read it and it set a great tone for the rest of the year!
I highly recommend it to someone looking for the kind of book in which they become completely enraptured.
More to come after I choose which book to read next.
I highly recommend it to someone looking for the kind of book in which they become completely enraptured.
More to come after I choose which book to read next.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The History of Love by Nicole Krauss
While waiting to hear back from jobs and programs that I've applied to, I've been spending time reading and doing yoga. The book I'm currently reading, The History of Love by Nicole Krauss is proving to be a pleasant and beautifully-wriiten read. While this is my first novel by Ms. Krauss, I am familiar with her husband, Jonathan Safran Foer. The two have remarkably similar styles (the post-modern use of text, the vivd first-person narrators, as well as many overlapping themes in their novels) but also some obvious differences.
I just want to say before I go any further, that I absolutely love this novel. It has so much packed into such a small volume (a fact that still surprises me) and the characters really are incredibly vividly painted with such short description. Such a wonderful book!
I'm only about three-quarters of the way through (only about a night more of reading left sadly) so I don't want to delve too much into the plot just yet; I have this sense that the narratives are about to come together in a major way.
More to come!
Friday, August 27, 2010
I've given in!!
Like 6 million others Americans, I finally gave in and bought a copy of Eat, Pray, Love. I hesitated for awhile, considering it to be a just another self-indulgent, "chick-lit" account until I finally realized that I was self-indulgent, and a chick no less, and considering a taking a year somewhat similar to Elizabeth Gilbert's.
I've been reading all day now. It can be sappy at times but its such a perfectly fun and insightful read. It's interesting to hear an older (and much wiser) woman's tale through a sort of "gap year" and I take comfort in knowing that she and I sometimes had the same thoughts. In fact, I can't help but occasionally think that she and I are so incredibly similar, of course, that's always the danger when you're reading a book you really like.
I've been going through highlighting ( I know) certain passages and re-reading a few sections so I'm not reading all that fast and haven't gotten through that much of it. More to come when I'm a little further along in the story. (So far though the Italy section is making me extremely happy)
More soon....
I've been reading all day now. It can be sappy at times but its such a perfectly fun and insightful read. It's interesting to hear an older (and much wiser) woman's tale through a sort of "gap year" and I take comfort in knowing that she and I sometimes had the same thoughts. In fact, I can't help but occasionally think that she and I are so incredibly similar, of course, that's always the danger when you're reading a book you really like.
I've been going through highlighting ( I know) certain passages and re-reading a few sections so I'm not reading all that fast and haven't gotten through that much of it. More to come when I'm a little further along in the story. (So far though the Italy section is making me extremely happy)
More soon....
Thursday, August 26, 2010
What Am I Doing?
I can't sleep and haven't been able to for the past few hours.
What the hell am I doing??!? Honestly, I just dropped out of college with no plans, no idea what I'm going to do with myself. NO IDEA.
I'm getting really nervous now, extremely. What will I do with my year? Who will I see and spend time with?
I'm starting to feel like this was a horrible mistake and I'm leaving myself without options...
What the hell am I doing??!? Honestly, I just dropped out of college with no plans, no idea what I'm going to do with myself. NO IDEA.
I'm getting really nervous now, extremely. What will I do with my year? Who will I see and spend time with?
I'm starting to feel like this was a horrible mistake and I'm leaving myself without options...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Finding a Hobby
I recently decided that there is very little in my life that can be attributed to be me.
OK- that doesn't mean anything reading it over now. What I mean is that there seems to be very little in my life that I really care about. There are very few things that I do everyday and most if not all fall in the realm of hygienic and mandatory. I need to find something I really enjoy that I do often, something that I can begin to define myself by.
Just another thing I can start to do on my gap year...
Some Ideas so far:
-Jogging (but I have bad knees and truthfully I find it pretty boring)
-Squash (practical- might help me get a job but expensive to play)
-Fashion (dumb)
-Wine (also dumb- but just a thought)
-Photography (I was never very good)
-Ugh drawing...
-Acting maybe
-Traveling
-Finance/business
-Healthcare
-Politics
-Tennis
-Boys
Just throwing things out there... Really though, how am I supposed to choose something?!
OK- that doesn't mean anything reading it over now. What I mean is that there seems to be very little in my life that I really care about. There are very few things that I do everyday and most if not all fall in the realm of hygienic and mandatory. I need to find something I really enjoy that I do often, something that I can begin to define myself by.
Just another thing I can start to do on my gap year...
Some Ideas so far:
-Jogging (but I have bad knees and truthfully I find it pretty boring)
-Squash (practical- might help me get a job but expensive to play)
-Fashion (dumb)
-Wine (also dumb- but just a thought)
-Photography (I was never very good)
-Ugh drawing...
-Acting maybe
-Traveling
-Finance/business
-Healthcare
-Politics
-Tennis
-Boys
Just throwing things out there... Really though, how am I supposed to choose something?!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Topic: TBD
I am a firm believer in the idea that some of the best journeys in life are taken without a road map.
I am a young adult, a young woman, who should be in college but, perhaps despite her better judgment, dropped out (or took time off) to do...... nothing in particular.
Do I ever wonder if I've made a horrible mistake? Not ever.
Whatever it is I'm doing right now, call it self-reflection, finding myself, soul-searching whatever label you want to put on it that would make any cynic cringe, I had to do it and it was long overdue.
So this blog, this exercise in vanity, which I hope to God will never be read by anyone (although there is some satisfaction in posting something on the internet where it is possible that someone might come across it- I'm aware that made no sense but clearly I'm not rational) will be a way for me to record what I do, what comes to mind, on my gap year.
Wish me luck!
XXO,
C
I am a young adult, a young woman, who should be in college but, perhaps despite her better judgment, dropped out (or took time off) to do...... nothing in particular.
Do I ever wonder if I've made a horrible mistake? Not ever.
Whatever it is I'm doing right now, call it self-reflection, finding myself, soul-searching whatever label you want to put on it that would make any cynic cringe, I had to do it and it was long overdue.
So this blog, this exercise in vanity, which I hope to God will never be read by anyone (although there is some satisfaction in posting something on the internet where it is possible that someone might come across it- I'm aware that made no sense but clearly I'm not rational) will be a way for me to record what I do, what comes to mind, on my gap year.
Wish me luck!
XXO,
C
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